October 16, 2012

The phone calls this weekend were something we were anxiously awaiting and avoiding at the same time. 4 months of negotiating (and making progress, mind you) left us high and dry as someone else swooped in at the very last second, fell for the seller/seller’s realtor’s scare tactics and put an end to our vision of what would be our next “home.” With a snap it was gone.

“It will be ok,” “You will find another perfect place,” “That just means something even more amazing is around the corner.” yes. I know (and I do truly appreciate). But lets not fool each other.. it doesn’t make it any easier to swallow.

Scouring the internet on Saturday night I came up with no replacement (at least not in our price range). Like a young girl just fresh out of a break up, I was searching for my rebound of a farm home to replace this false security—the feeling that “we knew” where we were ending up. I sat in bed with crocodile tears. I sat in church with crocodile tears (trying not to ruin my mascara). There were lots of tears…and thankfully through them, healing and an “ah-ha” moment.

A voice. Poignant. Truthful and out of the blue: “Is it really faith if you can SEE what is on the other side?”

Silence. More tears and more words: “YOU. DO. NOT. BELIEVE.”

The vision of a heavy dark drape (think stage curtain) falling– BAM— straight from the sky. Right in my face. Right across my path. And isn’t the pivotal question “where is my faith?”

I am blind. I think I can see but I cannot. I try to see but I cannot. I want to control, predict, manipulate. I want to know the answers. I want to remove the mystery. (I am no fan of suspense movies… even the music leaves me cringing). I want to know what will happen. And God says, “No.” (Which I will readily admit, is incredibly frustrating). The message for the past 4 months has been to be patient. To wait. WAIT. Persist. WAIT. Persist. And we have waited and we have persisted. Advised by the group of counsel we surround ourselves with, wise, investment-minded and encouraging family and friends as well as our realtor, we persisted patiently.

And then the black curtain. A buyer. After 3 years of this farm being on the market at the same price. A buyer, succumbing to scare tactics, offers OVER the list price. It was clear that this was of God, not us. Because truly, it doesn’t get much more obvious than that. And so my 1000th gift, a gift of rejection, confusion and down-right nastiness on the part of a seller and her realtor–> this 1000th gift is and will continue to be the greatest gift of my list yet. I just can’t see it yet. But that, my friends, is what I’m learning. That is what faith is all about. Not seeing the answer, but still believing and trusting. Even within “a timeline” (my kid starts kindergarten next fall– we need a school LOL). I trust that in perfect time, the path will be revealed. Maybe, just MAYBE with a little less headache than the past 4 months of negotiating. 😉

The wind blows through my hair. The clouds cover. The temperature a mild 70 degrees. The fabric of my dress dances in the flow of life. A peace offering of God. “My way is more perfect than you can see. So quit trying and trust. Let go.”

Lord, Increase my faith. Don’t show me the path–lest I be too tempted to run ahead. Show me how to follow You.

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